“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year.
Most of the time.
Once in a while.
Never mind, I’ll buy my own stuff.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
An Ohio judge ruled gay marriage legal, as long as the person is dead, proving that the slippery slope now includes gay necrophila.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it
[at the race]
“RUNNERS ON YOUR MARK”
Mark: ouch!
FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
If you added too much cornstarch I feel bad for you hon
I got 99 problems, but a bisque ain’t one
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
Wife: I don’t feel like he makes our relationship a priority
Marriage counselor: would you like to respond?
Me: *just absolutely going to town on a calzone*
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
New parent: What do you do when your kids are fighting?
Me, an experienced parent: You’re going to want to go get yourself a good pair of noise cancelling headphones…
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
I found the perfect sign for my ‘horse haters’ club
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
My superpower is finding the humor in nearly every situation. Uncle Bob’s superpower was flying. Landing… not so much. Lol
Priest: That’s your eulogy?
If you get bit by a radioactive cicada, you can only fight crime every seventeen years.