Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt

what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys

year 39, month 3: woke up a sentient tangle of meat and calcium again

Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”

My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:

5: mom i learned the months of the year!

me: oh yeah? what are they?

5: january…february…tuesday?

me: *tears up application to harvard

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.

For the longest time I never saw the word “petri dish” written so thought my science teacher was saying “pastry dish” and imagined big glass brownie pans being used in labs across the country

*i look my lawyer dead in the face*
I said ask him.
*lawyer stands up*
Your honor my client would like to know where you got that robe.

“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me

Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach

The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.

*record scratch*

Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…

Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks

[oval office]

SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!

PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*

me: will i go to jail in the future

psychic: no

me: gimme your wallet and empty the register

[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”

how i look when they bring my wings at pluckers.

[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG

“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”

“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”

I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad

Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..

I said , “The red runny type”.

Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!

Me: *sets bag on fire*

Doctor: You’re sick

Me: Yeah?

Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough

Me: Awww

HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?