“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
This cat wants you to take your pills
Never mess with a sculptor, they have a ready made place to hide your body
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
TRUMP: Hillary won’t stand up to America’s enemies. I will.
*Gets into fights with Miss Universe, Gold Star family, and a baby*
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
It’s like my grandpa always said: make all your decisions based on the outcome of social media polls.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
[1st date]
Me: don’t let him know you’re a lobster
Him: we should check out my hot-tub later
Me: ‘yeah…sure’ *nervously clicks claws*
Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Used to tell my kids that I had underwear older than them but now that the kids are 21 and 24, I’ve stopped. Also, to be fair, they’re not much more than waistbands now.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom