“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
You Might Also Like
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
The neighbours that overlook my garden must be religious. They’re always buying me pants with notes saying ‘for the love of God please wear these’.
PARAMEDIC: this man needs a transfusion
JESUS: i got this *turns water into wine*
PARAMEDIC: he doesn’t need wine he needs blood
JESUS: this is my blood
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
Actually, I’d rather listen to your dog barking than you yelling at it to stop.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
Just changed the vacuum cleaner bag and I’m feeling pretty handy.
Let me know if you want me to fix your transmission or your hadron collider.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
My sons having a few friends stay over tonight
Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *checkHopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it