“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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My husband: Can I ask a really stupid question
Me: More than anyone I know
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.
Spanish people feed their horses hay, but the naughty ones get George.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
Anyone else rip their mask off when they get in to the car like they’ve just finished a disappointing surgery on Grey’s Anatomy
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
New modem
5yo: What is that?
Me: an alien detector
5: It has a glowing green light.
Me: means it found one.
5: It’s pointing right at you
Me *evil grin* I know