Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

Body: we’re going to bed

Brain: that doesn’t mean we’re going to sleep

what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…

I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?

Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.

Thanks. It’s my face. lol

I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning

Bread, a tale of tears

I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.

Incredibly it tasted amazing

Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.

I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?

#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]

Walmart’s hair salon doesn’t charge extra to cut a live bat out of your hair.

5, to her brother: I’m going to punch you in the head.
Me: We don’t hit. Keep your hands to yourself.
[pause]
5, to her brother: I’m going to kick you in the head.

Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.

Doctor’s office: Please hold.

Me: Okay.

Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?

Me: Please hold.

Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!

Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok

[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.

*At the bar*

Me: What do you have on tap?

Bartender: Bud and Bud Light

Me: I’ll have a Coke.

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Two types of dogs.

My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

[stranded on a desert island]

*finds a message in a bottle*

hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?

Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.

Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?

[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that