Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.

Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?

Dr: I hate this job.

Professor, clearing his throat:

“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”

My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence

I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it

(Writing in food journal)

me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.

“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”

Achievement unlocked – 30th Birthday!

Life Exp +10
Knee HP -10

I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’

Godzilla was the first house flipper.

PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Sounds like a bargain

My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

PRIEST: the child is inhabited by the same evil spirit we crossed paths with!
CHILD [demon voice]: DON’T END A SENTENCE WITH A PREPOSSESSION

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

my retirement plan is braless

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.

I hate being the walking dead.

I wish I could be the driving dead.

Even the bus riding dead would do.

Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.

Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe

*has kids*

Also me: Not like that

*cops finds my loose floorboard*

Cop: What’s under here…

*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*

Me: I’d like my lawyer now.

Body by Oreos

Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.

I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.

My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”

You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.

Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.

God: so you shoot them with the arrows

Cupid: yes

God: and then they fall in love

Cupid: right

God: with other compatible people

Cupid: uh well-

God: who will love them back

Cupid:

God:

Cupid: sure

Our house is so messy that if we ever disappeared, the police would have no idea if there were “signs of a struggle”.