Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
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dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Thoughts and prayers for 17 who had to walk 10 minutes to school today without music because her second pair of airpods died and I refused to buy her a third pair.
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
I forgot the word milk so I called it calcium juice.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I’m the only person breathing through my nose at this Walmart
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
every time I roll over in the middle of the night
