Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
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“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
I love sleeping, mainly because I get a break from sucking my gut in.
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
no
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
Them: if you had the power to end one problem in the world today, what would it be?
Me: this conversation.
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
They say children are a gift from god. I’m totally wide-open to regifting.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
Single and childfree like Jesus
If you still had hope for kids today, a teenager in a bookstore pointed to a book title and asked me if it was about World War Two or Eleven
I hope Biden just starts announcing Executive Orders in his speech:
“And next…my dog gets to bite anyone he wants and afterward you have to say “thank you, Commander”
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
Her: There’s a spider on the bathroom floor!
Me: See that thing at the bottom of your leg? That’s a foot. Make it land on the spider.
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting