Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.

Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?

Me: No

[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]

Me: But I used to be an embryo

If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.

My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.

Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?

Cult pretty laid back about my leaving.

“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now

God: So you want me to swap you and your BF’s places
Kate Bush: Yes
God: What’s in this deal for me?
Kate Bush: I’d be running up that road
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that hill
God:
Kate Bush: Be running up that building
God: Yeah, it’s a no. NEXT

People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing

ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?

DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine

HER: I was mauled by a bear mountain biking

ME: *long drag on cigarette* what kinda bike was it riding, Carol

10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏

some of you aren’t reading the room. not even listening to the room on audiobook

the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish

Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime

Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore

what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”

[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]

Beavers: Booooo!

i wonder why they stopped looking

[climbs a Tibetan mountain for 6 days & stumbles out of breath into a Buddhist monastery] please. please tell me u have wifi

The algorithm is predicting some tough times ahead for ya boy

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

COP: any drugs in the car

ME: no

COP: ok

ME: APRIL FOOL’S

The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.

Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time

MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!

ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!

Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?

It was about a week back…

(Slaps knee!)

I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise

Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.

Me: *hands him my underwear*

Dr:……

Me: Its all there.

Cashier: your total comes to $59

Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice