Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
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on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
I personally think YOLO is going to make a strong vernacular comeback and I’m going to personally spend this entire transatlantic flight bringing it back … and that’s when the plane made an emergency landing.
nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
The sun really clocks out for the day before I do that’s insane
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
This time of year it’s either lazy starvation or eight thousand calories in one sitting
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
My job’s cybersecurity training said to “never assume a connection is real” and I was like I’m WAY ahead of you, pal
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
Barista: “Welcome to Starbucks!”
Me: “Large coffee please.”
B: “It’s venti!”
Me: “Then close all the windows after you get my large coffee.”
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
High school field trip, I caused a panic when visiting a World War One trench in Ypres. Stood on something metallic that crunched under my foot. Refused to move. People panicked that I had stood on an old land mine. Cue police, firefighters, army, bomb disposal. It was a Coke can
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”