Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16

I’m praying for you…

So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…

That’s from me

Me: Can you hear me?

4: No.

Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.

4: But I can’t hear you.

Me: You can, you’re answering me.

4: (crying) No, I can’t!

Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.

oh my god

i don’t know what i’m going to be for halloween so i’m probably just going to put in a tampon and go as a sexy kite

What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?

I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.

One day an iPhone is going to explode, and Android people are going to be like, “Samsung has had this feature for years”.

Nobody:

God: Make half of them allergic to spring

If you put Mattel dolls in a line they become a Barbie queue.

WestJet is cancelling flights ahead of the long weekend due to a strike notice. Said Air Canada “pffft, they’re giving a REASON? Amateurs”.

She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.

If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.

—cats in Christmas trees

The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room

how to lose 20lb

step 1: gain 40lb

“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.

“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”

Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation

wife: did you pee on the seat

me: maybe a little

bus driver: ok both of you off now

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman

Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints

FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY

date: i think i’m going to leave.

me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.

If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??