Do you know what kind of pants a psychic wears?
Just a paranormal pants.
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Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Vegans will look you dead in the eye and tell you cauliflower taste like ribs…
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Fox canceled Cops. So I guess if I want to stay current on what my family is up to now, I’ll have to turn to Facebook.
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
People always ask me why I listen to audiobooks on my headphones while I’m in the gym. It’s because I can’t read.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“What?”
– Jude
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please