Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*getting kicked out of bookclub*

me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are

BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later

[Ocean’s 14]

Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine

I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile

My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped

If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”

Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.

[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happened

bad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK

passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best

The expression “you catch more bees with honey” also could imply that you may get stung by said bees.

[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids

If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t

This is true.

So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…

bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?

The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.

[God making bears]

God: Make them furry, kinda cute, and really good at hugging

Angel: Aww

God: Hugs that will kill people

Angel: Wtf?!

“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”

Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.

Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin

CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.

Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath

Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.

My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat

Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.

Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.

Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.

Me: what do want for your birthday

Friend: just a gift card or some shit

Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it

What’s dopamine is dopayours.

WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”

ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”