Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
You Might Also Like
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta
Movie Trivia: Cloverfield was just Khloe Kardashian on a shopping trip in New York
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.
Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
Me: [wisely] what goes around, comes around
Ferris wheel operator: [annoyed] please stop saying that every time you go past
It’s not so much that I have no idea what the kids are saying these days, it’s that when I look up the slang I still have no idea what it means
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
trying to be cute today but my face isn’t cooperating
My lady wanted to role play ..we was doing doctor and nurse .she in character gone ask me ..doc did you get the results back…i was like yeah the kid has cancer and will be dead by monday …she talking bout i ruined the mood …my acting just to good for boo boo she a hater
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.
Merry Christmas. The three wise men.
Birds are weird. Could you imagine if we all woke up at 5 a.m. and just started hollering at each other across the whole neighborhood?
Good thing we got these tiny handheld computers to do our yelling for us, or else we’d look like IDIOTS.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.