Do you know what really makes me smile? Facial muscles.
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Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
That’s why you always keep moving. Don’t leave a digital footprint. Get a new identity, cut ties with family and friends. Keep a go-bag behind your bedroom drywall, stop watching reality TV.
That last one doesn’t have anything to do with being on the run, it’s just a good idea
Opening twitter feels like visiting a recently abandoned house – you can still see how things have been but every now and then a picture falls from the wall and no one bothers to look what’s causing the weird smell in the kitchen
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
Felony Vandalism is a beautiful name for a girl.
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
I turned out ok for someone essentially raised by Bugs Bunny.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Today a guy who lives in his van told me if he didn’t have a girlfriend, he’d ‘for sure’ date me. So at least I have that going for me.