Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,

What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?

His Highness

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job

I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.

He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.

Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?

Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]

If your problem can be solved by:

Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or Murder

Then you don’t really have a problem.

“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee

I miss you like an idiot misses the point.

I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.

{watching a horror movie}

SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.

College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.

Which wines pair best with gloating?

Her: your SO annoying!

Me: you’re 😐

*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away

Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.

9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.

Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.

9 yo: MOM

Saw another story about a missing hiker.

I never went missing sitting at home.

Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.

Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.

If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*

How much longer until we can get pets that are also wifi hotspots?

I asked my 3-year-old what kind of cake she wanted for her birthday and she said “two cakes” which is the correct answer.

[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]

[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.

them: yeah?

me: try the coffee.

“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate

I love cheese!

Cheese: I have a boyfriend