Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked

Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out

nothing more rude than taking a photo of yourself and it looking like how you actually look, and not how you look inside your head

friend: the key to a good joke is misdirection

[later]

guy: hey can you tell me how to get downtown?

me: *barely containing my glee as i point him uptown* yeah go that way

My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

I’m out here scooping up street salt and repurposing it to margaritas as God intended.

Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s

Genie: done

Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy

Me: shhh

“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”

My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.

14: (setting his alarm for 5am)

11: Why so early?

14: Because Mom is going to take a million first day of school pictures. And it’s going to take forever.

Me: That is correct.

Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?

Boss: You’re fifteen minutes la- WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?

Me, scratched and bleeding: Fight with a goose.

Boss: What?

Me: *grabs work knife and heads back out* Fight with a goose.

I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven

Repairman: Your refrigerator door came off its hinges from overuse. We are seeing a lot of this lately

Me: *from the couch* Could you bring me a sandwich?

ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.

BANK MANAGER: Get out!

I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.

A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.

to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath

10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.

long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.

Customer: do you sell {item}?

Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in

Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*

When someone asks me if I can do them a “solid”, I always answer with “my pleasure” before heading to the bathroom.

Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?

Hub: Agreed

Me: Wait, where are you going?

Hub: Fishing. See you Monday

Facebook is great! It reminds me to go to the gym and take my birth control so I don’t end up like everyone I went to high school with.

Telling everyone I’m premed…

(short for premeditating their murder)

Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.

*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*

If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.

An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.