Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class

Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.

[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]

*you’re

I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.

Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.

They have a budget of $430,000…

The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.

the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done

The only function of a middle name is so a child can assess how much danger they’re in.

[first day in hell]

Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!

Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing

Satan: HAHAH- what?

Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy

Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?

Amazon Prime: can I take your order

Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg

Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no

Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol

Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job

In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me

My little sister did homework for a kid in her school because he promised to pay her $30 but after she finished it for him he told her that he wasn’t gonna pay her so she just sent him a picture of an email draft addressed to him and his teacher and just says “what about now”

This chicken is so moist, what is your secret?

I squeeze a little KY Jelly into its cavity before heating.

“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger

[first day as a pilot]
Me: we’re about to hit some mild turbulence and then a mountain

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

Okey dokey.

date: i love that you know about plots of land

me: thanks that means a lot

Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?

MEN: if your date is cold, don’t just stand there; be a gentleman and allow her to cut you open so she can crawl inside and keep warm

My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.

Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”

I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials

He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.

Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?

It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…

Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.

Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.