“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
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I knew this neighborhood was classy enough for me when I saw there is a “Pregnant Only” parking spot in front of the Liquor store.
Best misinterpreted text ever!
Jesus: Let he who is without sin cast the first stone
Skeletor: *throws stone*
Jesus: HEY!
Skeletor: I’m sorry. Did you say “skin” or “sin?” I don’t have ears.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
lorebombing is when you make a new friend in your thirties and you have to catch each other up
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
*sitting in the dark at the kitchen table waiting for my wife*
Hello Karen. Maybe you’d like to tell me who used all my essential oils
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
“What kind of dog is this?”
“Well actu..”
“Hes cute”
*pets it*
“Sir thats my..”
*picks it up*
“Your a good dog arent you?”
“PUT MY SON DOWN”
*Hour 3 in the trampoline park*
My oldest has said “watch this” 212 times
My youngest is running wild in a pack of feral six-year-olds
A woman screams in the distance “Jaden, Jaxon”
There is still no bar
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
6/6/14 Dear Diary – Today was really great. Got a job as an intern with the CIA and sent a cool tweet.
6/7/14 Dear Diary – Guantanamo sucks.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Your proctologist called. He found your head.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.