Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Please, if you ever offer me a snack and I say no, ask me again, I didn’t mean it the first time
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
Everyone has beautiful pics posted. Where are the losers? I’m leaving.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”