Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mafia boss: This dish tastes funny. What is it?

Amelia Bedelia: I cooked the books just like you told me to, boss.

*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

You’re 25, please stop saying back in the day.

I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.

“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season

coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way

me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding

My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.

I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me

The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job

I feel like people just come to the airport to cough

FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard

I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.

The women working in my office will wear a live bear on their back if it’s lower than 71°

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.

Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.

All my scars & bruises tell a story.

The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.

me: sorry we’re late

st peter: what happened

grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

Excited for the return of Game of Thrones.
Not excited for the return of the phrase, “If you’d read the books, you’d know that…”

I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.

👍

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

i did the math

everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg

I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.

[wife holding credit card statement and yellin down the basement] what’s auto tune?
[me sounding perfect] c’mere baby