Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.

we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.

A gym so fancy they call it a James.

My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.

the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard

Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”

Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together

Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?

God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.

Unicorn: I guess you’re right.

[Narwhal swims by]

Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?

God:

Unicorn:

God: technically that’s a tooth.

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left

Cop: [knocks]

Dinosaur: can I help you?

Cop: we’ve had reports of small arms fire

[Flaming T-Rex runs past screaming]

I was 15 minutes into destroying a plate full of ribs before I even noticed my date had left.

Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.

me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight

When the world gets you down, always remember that only idiots get cheered up by cheap philosophical bullshit and you’re better than that.

Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.

5 year old son: I want to be a boxer.

Me: I think you’re too cute to be a boxer.

5: Yes, that is what everybody will think.

Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private

dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?

me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store

florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter

Is it “shitshow” or “shit show”? I just want

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

“You drive me to drink!”

-I shout at my taxi driver.

*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*

Teacher: How was your vacation?

My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.

I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky

Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat

*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell