Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?
Everything. Every single thing in the world.
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Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
When people ask What Would Jesus Do, I remember how he hid in that cave for 3 days after people were so mean to him.
That’s more my speed.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
I started to call my friend “bro” but decided mid-word to switch to “dude” so it came out as “boo” and there’s just no recovering from that
“Its swimsuit season” I whisper, eating another swimsuit
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
We’ve all been there
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.
Remember: You can kill someone and wear their skin as a suit, but it’s not identity theft until you use their debit card. Be smart about it.
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I got a new washing machine that plays a little song when it’s done instead of buzzing and I just found out. So I’d been running outside for an ice-cream truck that doesn’t exist for like, 2 months.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.