Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
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What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
is he marrying that labradoodle
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
No one cares if you take an apple or yogurt from the hotel breakfast but apparently if you start filling your ice bucket with bacon it suddenly becomes an issue.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
***BREAKING*** sneaky teens trying to buy booze severely misjudge their height – 300ft trenchcoat behemoth said to contain 57 people
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?
“This is a raw berry!”