Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
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Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
Some of you would make better cellmates than soulmates.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
If you get butterflies in your stomach
You should probably stop eating insects
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
[first day of school]
LILY: My mommy named me Lily because she loves lilies.
LUNA: My mommy named me Luna because she loves the moon.
BRANDY and METHANY: We hate this game.
time for some seasonal decor
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Whenever Im in trouble, I think, What would Jesus do?
Then I pretend to be dead and disappear for 3 days.
I bet jellyfish are sad that there are no peanut butter fish.
No YOU’VE been drinking.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.