Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!

I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian

Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.

“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”

Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.

Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*

The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.

My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.

Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.

canadian assassins are called killergrams

Am getting real tired of your crap…

New mindset, who dis?

I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

*hears giggling kids

7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!

Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?

“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood

dad: where do you think you’re going

me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?

okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.

And now we wait.

Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*

Adam: That’s not funny.

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!

Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?

Fall semester: kid leaves for college for the first time, how will I live without you?

Spring Break: HOW DID I EVER LIVE WITH YOU?