Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

menswear guy has entire hockey teams begging him for mercy

3yo: Wipe me!

Me: What did you do?

3: Only pee and poop.

Me: [wondering in terror what the other options are]

Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.

Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?

Decided to use the classic celebrity break up picture torn in half method to announce that my cat no longer likes these treats.

“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive

“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive

My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night

And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”

The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.

i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered

This pepper has seen some shit

This story is comedy gold 😂

Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.

Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.

Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?

When your kid asks you where the other parent is, they’re really saying that they’d like to speak with the manager.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

Got capsaicin in my eye again. I, justly, blame the squirrels.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

“what’s a skit rip?”
– me, misreading “ski trip” on the mini crossword time to put me in a nursing home omg

I found if you put the right stickers on your cooler and walk as fast as you can they’ll let you in any part of the hospital you want.

I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.

I can’t be the only one that sees the day when
a direct message from a catfish is called carp DM.

All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.

My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying

the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

Windows

I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.

The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.