Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

friend: have u accepted jesus christ as yr savior so u can be allowed into the kingdom of heaven?
me: who all going?

I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.

Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop

Hell hath no fury like a woman who just said “seriously?” after a comment you made during an argument.

Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets

Me: well look who’s come crawling back

[costume party]
friend: you’re late

me, dressed as a sloth: sorry

Mornin

The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.

That and the fact that the bottle was empty.

who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life

I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.

It took a lot longer than I thought it would.

It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.

Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love

If your 78 year old grandpa called his new girlfriend a free spirit, you’d change all his passwords.

There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things

I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”

Of COURSE the government would keep aliens a secret from you people. You can’t even handle different kinds of humans.

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.

I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.

Getting a snowstorm today. They said it would start around noon, it’s now 12:02, so already the meteorologists were wrong.

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

Find everything OK, sir?

Everything except happiness!

You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!

We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined

Apparently If ur BF says “if anything happens to me,I want u to meet someone new….”
“anything” doesn’t include getting stuck in
traffic.

I never slashed an enemy’s tires, but once I wrote “Your mean” on his dirty back window, misspelling “You’re” just to mess with his head.

it takes so much energy

I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half

Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That

It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.