Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
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Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Okay, I’m still confused…
My favorite doll’s husband was made by me, of a shampoo bottle and a ping pong ball. Good guy, but he just couldn’t stop losing his head over things. Literally
Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.
Pharmacist:
In case you don’t believe there’s any way your kid’s stories could be longer, my 12 y/o just told me a story about a YouTube video, with the hiccups.
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
oh my gosh!!
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
I remember my first time at a mic. “Cleanup on aisle 5” & “Price check-Advil” were two early bits that really seemed to resonate with folks.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
What type of magazine do cows read?
Cattlelogs.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
ME (a man who was paid to write 3 reviews 20 years ago): Well, you know, speaking as a writer…
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”