“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Haha, all I’m saying is there’s no need to put a little umbrella in my drink… It’s already wet.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
The pool supply sales lady told me I should shock my swimming pool once a week, so I keep showing it my senior picture.
*Cinderella drops her glass slipper*
Prince: I have a girlfriend.
*wife spends all morning convincing son not to be afraid of the dentist*
“Dad are you coming too?”
Hell no dentists scare the shit out of me
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.
MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Online recipes have finally added a jump to the recipe button. Now if blogs could add a jump to the point button, life would be golden.
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Utility company website: Are you a bot?
Me: No, but if there are bots trying to pay my utility bills, mind your own business.
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.