“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
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I disagree with my politics
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
I’m starting to worry about my husband’s eyesight. He can’t seem to see that the cutlery drawer is divided into sections.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
She puts the hot in psychotic
daughter: what if the easter bunny actually is a huge rabbit
me: heh what else could it be
daughter: [leaves]
me: [alone w my thoughts] what else could it be
My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”
I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.
Whether it’s oversharing with cashiers, feeding stray animals or making paper dolls with celebrity faces we all have our way of coping with loneliness. The important thing is not to get carried away and start a podcast
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
infomercial: has this ever happened to yo-
me: no
infomercial: [people failing miserably at everyday tasks]
me: ok listen here
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“This soup was so good I wish I could just…NOMCRNCHNCH”
*chewing glass*
“There must be a better way!”-Inventing the bread bowl
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.