Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.

Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.

Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol

Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?

Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it

Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.

Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.

Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.

Age is just a number that you keep off of Facebook after 35.

6: Can I have a baby sister?

Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.

6: Then can I have a turtle?

they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck

Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.

Me: I think I’d rather drive.

The mayor of Toronto wants us to return to in-person work to help cut down on crime in the city but unless most of us are employed as Batman I’m not sure the plan will unfold as she expects

Nothing prepares you for the love you have for your children, or for your own ability to say I don’t know a million times a day without snapping their adorable little necks.

ME: you really put the cute in executione-

WARDEN: alright hit the switch

*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop

Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.

*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we are

Me [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn

F: well?
Me: we’re in China

God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”

Me: *checking weather on phone*

3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?

Me:

3:

Me: Yes, we go way back.

Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*

Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE

Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.

My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”

Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup

Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.

Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.

me: “that sounds terrifying”
waitress:
me:
waitress: “what sounds terrifying?”
my wife: “he thinks you said ghost cheese not goats cheese”.

Him: I’m a pilot. Got a degree in aviation, thousands of flight hours, a lot-

Me: I’m a pilot too! Hot air balloons.

Him: That’s really not the same at all, you-

Me: *pantomiming pulling a chain*

Him: How do you even steer?

Me: *shrugs* Anyway, we have the same job.

Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room

You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

Baking instructions should be:

Cook it until you smell it, then go take looksee.

GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.