Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

Amish guys have to rowboat their wives.

You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex

idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]

Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.

How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?

So annoying that in order to meet new people you need to go out and meet new people. Ideally I would have known you in a past life

I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.

… And while you’re down there…

the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”

Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.

If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.

Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.

i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click

If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.

Bring it.

My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today

Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?

Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did

Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.

Hey people who don’t understand sarcasm, what’s it like being so awesome?

me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god

It makes me sad that kids these days will never know the joy of clapping back with “it’s time to get a watch” when someone asked what time it was.

Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?

My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird

fireworks, because firehasbillstopay

my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

What was the deal with that dude wearing a tie and an apron at brunch? He kept writing down everything we said, he gave me the crepes.

Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.