Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows

It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles

Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums

I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.

Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.

Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.

the McDonalds jingle really makes me salivate. I’m Pavlovin’ it.

I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!

All generalizations are stupid.

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs

I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.

It finally happened.

After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.

My 7-year-old told me she wants a pet chinchilada. Do I find this at the pet store or a Mexican restaurant?

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

I’m locked out. Come let me in.

Well, when we ordered nachos, you ate all the ones in the middle with the most cheese, but no… I have no idea who set your car on fire.

Hey all,

I regret to admit this, but tonight I took my kids on a walk.

From their intense whining I have come to see that I caused them deep distress by exposure to sunshine, breeze, and friendly waves from neighbors.

Forgive me—I will do better next time.

~a dad, trying

I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.

It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…

me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog

midwife: no, you won’t

My parents hardly knew who my kindergarten teacher was but my son just found out who his first teacher will be and I can now tell you where she lives and the names of her sisters.

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.

Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.