Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
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[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
7: I don’t want you to have any more babies
Me: That’s okay because I’m not having any more babies
7: Good, but I’m still gonna worry till you’re 50
Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
Shortcut
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
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[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
Do people who take performance enhancing drugs know nothing of coffee?
Money is the root of all wealth
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?