Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.

*turns on ceiling fan*

Oh shit my stamp collection

Hotel garbage cans are way too small.

How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!

Stop saying ‘happy anniversary to my partner in crime.’
You do not commit crimes. You shop at Costco

ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?

would be a terrible security guard. too easily bribed. I’d be out there saying “and these potato chips you offer, are they flavoured?”

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.

ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.

“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”

…

“Alexa?”

Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.

living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated

STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter
STEP 2: Receive email newsletter
STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life

embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together

If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up

5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!

Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player

Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor

Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison

Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy

Me: Yes I have!

Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*

Me: Yes, I do!

Wife: Do the laundry

[my wife wants an expensive audi]

ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each

HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?

ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each

[an hour later]

ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each

the secret to my success is everywhere i go i wear a shirt that says STAFF on the back

I put my thing down, flip it and reverse it

– me, plugging in a USB

Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right

[in hell]

ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad

SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—

ME: ugh

SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows

ME: UGH

having one friend who enables everything you do and another who calls you out for your shit is wild bc you’ll explain the exact same situation to them and one of them will go “Abby tax fraud is bad” while the other goes “👏🏽you👏🏽don’t👏🏽owe👏🏽anyone👏🏽anything👏🏽not👏🏽even👏🏽the 👏🏽IRS”

[watching paint dry]

“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”

I was helping my son with his geography homework and I told him that the capital of Iceland was New Bjork so now I have another meeting with his teacher.

Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.

John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—

Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015

Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.

*octopus goes in for a palm reading*

Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”