Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”

“If something goes wrong, we’ll just go to a blue DOS screen and dump out an indecipherable log of what happened”.

This was a choice made.

If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.

What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow

They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.

[first date]

her: do u like dogs or cats better

me: [reading menu] what page are u on

[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal

Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.

[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK

No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.

Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.

when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture

my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.

me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active

doctor: i don’t really need to

me: wait why

doctor:

me:

doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled

Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead

I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic

me: I said NEXT pandemic

Turns out I’m awesome at meditation. The instructor said she normally spends a lot of time helping new students learn to empty their minds, but in my case that isn’t necessary.

I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.

My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet

once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches

Husband: *noticing my front clasp bra* Nice, did you buy that for me?

Me: *thinking how my shoulder no longer lets me reach my hand behind my back* Yeah, babe. You like it?

Lets all Twittercide at the same time & not tell a Will Smith parody account, 1 dog account, & all the zombie people just to freak him out.

Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?

Me: Janet Jackson. Always.