Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ideal workday would be from 9:00 AM to 9:07 AM

Me: I must be out of my mind.
Me: You and me both.

no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision

“Treat yourself,” they say.

“No, wait—not like that—”

But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

I’m amazed at the things I find in my undies after a night out. Glitter, matchbook, food & I wasn’t even wearing underwear before I went out

When you promised to deliver the project in two weeks but didn’t mention which year

I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.

I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’

guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine

Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?

Would make a brilliant taxi driver

If you accidentally drop a roll of toilet paper while sitting down, it will roll approximately 65 feet away from you.

Science.

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

me: I need tires

michelin: here you go

me: now if only someone could rate my restaurant

michelin: you’re not gonna believe this

I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”

sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.

God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?

I asked my 4yo what he was eating and he said “people,” which was quite alarming until I realized he was holding Sour Patch Kids.

Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.

My husband just reminded me that we have fish sticks which is awesome because I was worried I didn’t have anything to pack my kids for lunch that they wouldn’t eat

garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move

“Do you want to have fun but also get more mad than you’ve ever been in your life?” – video games

I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out

Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣