“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
You Might Also Like
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i drink my cologne first and then spit it all over myself?
HER: i mean what else would it be
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
got so much cardio in today
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
*i before e except after c.
Unless you’re an 8yo heir planning a heist to seize a surveillance sleigh owned by a sheik at a reindeer farm.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
When someone tells me, “I think of you as family,” I assume I’m about to be yelled at for something that happened 10 years ago.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Ageing is just getting angrier and angrier at what rappers are called now until you see a rap name that gives you an aneurysm and you die
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…
I’m never going to recover from this.