Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.

I wouldn’t complain if I died, mostly because I’d be dead.

Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up

Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out

Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie

I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭

What

Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.

When your kid says “I told you I knew how to be good” and you start getting flashbacks of all the times when they didn’t know at all

doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?

me: does sex count?

doctor: yes

me: then no

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you

*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*

Coworker: Do you have good taste in music?

Me: I can only taste things I put in my mouth

Both of us thinking: I work with an idiot

My dog peed in his pool and then laid down in it and I thought that was awful until I remembered my last trip to the lake.

The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious

If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

What happens when a hippie marries a mime? Peace and quiet.

Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.

Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.

Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.

jigsaw: I have injected you with a deadly poison

me [sitting in a chair]: OMG

jigsaw: if you want to live the antidote is on the other side of the room

me: I don’t understand, I’m not tied up?

jigsaw: *places sleeping kitten on my lap*

me: goodbye cruel world

The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

[at Doctor’s office]

“When’s the last time you had sex?”

Last night.

“With a male or female?”

Oh…with another person?

I beg your pardon?

I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?

*Knocks on Misery’s door*

Me: Hey! I heard you love company.

Misery *through mail slot*: not you

I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.