Do you know why I pulled you over?
“Yes, because I was driving a motorized toilet.”
I meant this time
“Oh. No.”
Please step out of the oven.

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[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?


Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?


What if cats are born with names & the fact that we call them names that aren’t those names is the reason they act irrationally towards us?


I did 1 single thing on my to-do list today which means now I get to watch 11 hours of TV


Me: You sound like a broken record.


Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.


Me: Siri how much moss is it safe to eat
Siri: I wasn’t built for this
Me: Siri, the moss
Siri: Please let me go back to the phone factory


I am learning from my mistake now. My son taught me maths today


A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.


The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.