My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
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I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
BUZZ ALDRIN:They say in space no one can hear you scream, but it’s not true and the other astronauts get mad at you for the rest of the trip
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I own a gun so if a robber breaks into my home and steals my stuff I can shoot all my stuff and break it so the robber can’t enjoy any of it
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
mom: what’s that internet thing called, “scream shitting”?
me: …
me: shitposting?
mom: SHITPOSTING.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower was the way it covered it’s eyes when it saw me.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place