Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”

A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”

Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue

Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.

“I think you’ll like her. She’s smart, funny, and a libra”

I’ve never met a libra

*is super disappointed when date isn’t a lion zebra mix*

ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

*3.5 thank you very much.

Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you

Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave

At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”

I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂

You don’t need to put “liquid” in front of “diarrhea”. We get it.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

ok this is my dumbest yet

If you can’t pay off your reverse mortgage, does your house have to give you to the bank?

woman on a first date: [pointing to her plate] i don’t think i ordered this.
her date, who comes from a dimension where they only talk like foghorn leghorn: this waiter, i say, this waiter’s about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!

Priest: This is communion…

M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-

P: Leave.

Horrifying if literal: arm candy

I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.

Now I have a swimming pool.

My 20mo came in while I was giving 4yo a bath w a bath bomb. “Pink bath?” She asked, dumbfounded. My husband took her to her room but seconds later she came thundering down the hall, pointing, blinded by the injustice, “PINK BATH!!” She yelled and tried to climb in fully clothed.

If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”

me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it

cause of death:
autopsy.