Do you like freezing to death and knocking down trees with your face? Well why not book a skiing holiday?
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Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Me: I don’t know how to hold this baby
Her: Head held high
Me *proudly* I don’t know how to hold this baby
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
*boss calls me into office*
“um but sir my name is–”
Be quiet you’re “into office” now
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
What do you call a food fight with an unlimited amount of food?
All you can yeet.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
“Look, officer, I’m not being a smartass. All I’m sayin’ is if you caught me then you were speeding too”.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
