Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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My wife and I are both keen runners, in fact we met when running a marathon. What we don’t tell people is we met when we were both in the bushes doing emergency poos.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
My bad habits got renewed for another season.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I don’t consider it a good night out if it doesn’t end up as a super villain’s origin story
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
I’m not fascinated by you unless you’re a potato
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Wife- Don’t forget the trash.
Me *BATMAN VOICE- I’ll forget whatever I want.
Wife- What did you ju…
Me *Robin voice- I said, yes ma’am.
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.
The kids (oldest is 6) want to watch a film “with bunnies in it”. Watership Down or Donnie Darko?
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
My nearest bus stop is near a local dealers house. I’ll stare at whoever is at the door until they look in my direction and I’ll quickly look away and touch my ear like I’m an undercover cop on a stake out. In the 2 years I’ve been doing this I’ve made 3 people walk away quickly
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.