Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
Just told my dog to say goodnight to his brother, the houseplant
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
“Do you have a makerspace at this library?”
“No we don’t.”
“You don’t make anything at all?”
“Do excuses count?”
“Welcome to McDonald’s, how may I take your order?”
“Begrudgingly, I would imagine.”
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
If I ever get married, I’m not wearing white. Nothing to do with the whole virginity thing, and everything to do with being a sloppy eater.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Age 28: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up w/ smudged sexy eye make-up
Age 38: forgets to wash face & moisturize, wakes up a dragon
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
explaining to my toddler that we are actually two different people and I can’t read his mind but I know he used to live in my belly so I see where the confusion is
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Why are they giving Lance Armstrong a hard time about doping???… Going to the moon is very scary shit!!!
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS