Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.

My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.

Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.

I jump from the skyscraper’s ledge, performing 3 graceful somersault, right into the arms of a hot firefighter. Neither of us survive impact

Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?

Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times

Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this

Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it

In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.

Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!

I’m not your GameBoy, quit pushing my buttons

my favorite coworker in meetings:
2019: whoever brings snacks
2020: whoever offers to take notes
2021: whoever cancels the meeting

Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”

Librarian: “No.”

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”

The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids

🎶99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-🎶

Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING

Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart

british people be having sex like:

mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving

I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.

I like a bird with purpose. One walking quickly as though late to a business meeting. No time to trifle with you, ma’am.

My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”

We’re thinking Harvard.

Note to self: always read the final line

How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?

[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?

why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening

My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.

Inside you are two wolves as city sprawl continues driving them from their natural habitat

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background