Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
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I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
What?!?
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT.
Light: Let there be light what?
God: LET THERE BE LIGHT… PLEASE.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
I hate when someone is killed in a movie. While normal ppl watch the scene, all i’m doing is try to catch the dead character breathing.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
*takes long drag off cigarette*
No one digs a well at the top of a hill, so what the hell were Jack and Jill doing up there?
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
A lot can be said about the difference between a Guy and a Man
Someone known colloquially as the Noodle Guy could probably tell you about all sorts of different pasta shapes and what sauces pair with them
But The Noodle Man is someone known to authorities
[looks up from laptop while updating résumé]
son, you’re good with computers
“I’m alright”
how do I find pictures of mean looking dinosaurs?
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.
I haven’t watched or read any news in two days, and at this point I’m just wondering why people waste money on sex and drugs to feel high.
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Son: Dad can sand melt?
Me putting down my glass: Don’t be ridiculous of course it can’t
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
Hey. Remember in the first grade when we were all just chilling then some kid would throw up out of nowhere
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Going off the grid sounds great until you find out how difficult it is to make mayonnaise in the woods.
*sends nudes*
Him: omg you showered!
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount