do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
my dad when a sex scene comes on
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
Multitask? I can barely unitask
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
Nobody victim blames more than my seven-year-old when he’s in trouble for punching his little brother
*passive aggressively turns off Christmas lights when someone stops too long to look at them*
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
This is Diego. He likes to take the scenic route up the stairs. 13/10
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
[eating cookie] let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
The only reason I watch political speeches is cause I’m hoping there’s gonna be a sniper.
Me, thinking about the time the cashier said, “Come back soon,” and I said, “You too.”
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Edward Scissorhands: best 2 out of 3
Dwayne Johnson:
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
Just shared my screen in a business meeting, and realised that my desktop was showing a google search for “where did Scrooge McDuck get his money?”