do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
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gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
Rich people don’t buy lottery tickets, what does that tell you about lottery tickets?
I asked what she wanted for her birthday and she said she’d like anything I picked out for her and I’ve never been more afraid.
NEW LAUNDRY RULES!
1. IF IT COMES TO ME INSIDE OUT, YOU GET IT BACK INSIDE OUT!
2. IF IT COMES TO ME RUMPLED IN A BALL, YOU GET IT BACK RUMPLED IN A BALL!
3. IF IT COMES TO ME WITH $20 IN THE POCKET, OK ACTUALLY I’M KEEPING THAT.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
I don’t want to establish dominance. I want to take a nap while someone else handles everything.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude
Life Hack: Replace your cat’s litter box with an Amazon box. When it’s full just tape it up and put it on your doorstep so someone steals it
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Love that every time I finish a snack I have to wave my hands around to prove to my dog it’s all gone like I’m cashing him out at a casino or something
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”