do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?
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him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Mmmm canned fish.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
I like my women like I like my bugs…
In my bed 😬
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.
The Macarena began playing through the dental office speakers as I lied helpless with the hygienist’s hands in my mouth today. #survivor
12yo wants to stay home from school because her foot hurts, like that’s a legit excuse that I didn’t use on my own parents to try to get out of school.
Local Singles 2.9 Miles From Your Area
*refresh page*
Local Singles 3.7 Miles From Y..
“no dont leave”
*refresh page*
Local Singles 7.8 Mile
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
A Twitter love story, in 3 parts:
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
4 out of 5 dead husbands agree that last casserole tasted really strange.
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
My hobby is convincing little kids to say, “Last night I played with the little boy who died in our house.” So far I’ve made 2 families move
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby