do you like subpoena coladas?
and getting caught and arraigned?![]()
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’d say a good part of my day is spent trying to convince my dog that we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
The key to happiness in life is to set yourself small, achievable goals.
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When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
you cannot hurt me. you are not a hip height table corner
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
me: i need directions please
stranger: you need to go north and –
me: left or right
stranger: it’s a little more complex than that
me: *crying* LEFT OR RIGHT
If you meet a surgeon at a party don’t immediately start pitching to them. They are sick of hearing ideas for surgeries, and even if you give them a good one they will just steal it without crediting you
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.