Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you

Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.

If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve

What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A billiard table.

FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*

We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot

I am a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

Asking my 8YO to go to bed is like arguing with an opera singer singing heavy metal

every time I write an email I think: “you need to be professional. no smiley faces. no exclamation points. use big, smart words. you are so so brave” and then I’ll get a reply from some 60 year old VP named Mike that’s like, “thx. have a gr8 wknd!
Get Outlook for iOS”

HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.

DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac

DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go

DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

I dont know about you guys, but I am amazed Pringles is able to constantly grow the same shaped potato. Science.

I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”

– me every time I watch Toy Story 3

*Working at Walmart*

Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?

Me: No Ma’am, they are dead

My superpower is acting like I’m trying to stop the elevator from shutting when more people are trying to get on without really stopping it.

I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.

The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.

Valentine’s Day tip for the men:

If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.

You’re welcome

Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery

*seductively eats two tums*

[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out

I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.

88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.

My grandma sailed on the Titanic.

She keeps trying to tell me what it was like but I say “Shut it Nana, I haven’t even seen the movie yet!”

things i’ve picked my teeth with:

– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grass

things i’ve never picked my teeth with:

– toothpick