Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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Me: Wanna hear a joke?
Dog: sure
Me: Knock knock
*dog goes crazy barking at the door*
Me: Girl you must be tired cos you have been running through my mind ALL day!
Her: really?
Me: nah, you do look tired though.
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
How are you?
“Yeah, not bad” <– normal person
“Yeah, pretty good actually” <– show off
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Congratulating #CrowdStrike for reaching its carbon neutrality targets six years early through its disruption of global air traffic today!
I want the confidence of my sister in-law who said “Isn’t it considerate of these people to add a purse holder?”
Now taking applications to pretend to be my boyfriend on Saturday and go with me to my friend’s kid’s graduation party. I can’t pay anything but you can steal stuff from their house
I keep getting questions about whether or not I’m actually running for president. The answer is yes. And on top of that, I’m holding a knife, so I’m running even faster than all the other candidates.
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*rubs temples*
security guard: Hey you! Stop touching the historic buildings at this ancient religious site!!
[emerging from a ten year coma]
my dad: look who finally got up
The problem with always wearing that same perfectly broken-in, heavenly soft t-shirt, is how are your other t-shirts ever gonna get there.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
My 4yo has been wrapping up his toys in newspaper and giving them to me as gifts all morning.
Really wishing right now I had bought him better shit.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.