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My sister asked if I stole her cream sweater. Uh, yeah. Who else would’ve stolen it? You think a burglar broke in and was like “Cute top!”
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
*wakes up from 20 year coma*
SHIT, MY TAMOGOTCHI
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
Daughter asked who the princess of France was. When told there wasn’t one her eyes widened and she quietly asked if she could do it
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
Someone left an anonymous love note on my daughter’s desk and the first thing she did was put it in a ziploc baggie so she can get DNA and fingerprints
Thank Satan it’s Monday.
I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
Based on how comforting I find compression, my 50th birthday will be held in a trash compactor
Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
My neighbors are being loud and I wanted to yell at them but I didn’t want them to know it’s me so I found a clip of a woman yelling SHUT UP and played it at full volume
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*