Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
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My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
Looking back to my days as a teacher, the best part was always summer.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
My kids locked me out of the house when I was taking the trash bins to the curb.
Don’t threaten me with a good time. I won’t come back
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
What my neighbors thought of me after they moved in:
1. She’s eating cake
2. She’s eating chips
3. She’s eating cake again
4. She’s dipping chips in the cake
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again