Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Bought a new exercise program

Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort

So I did

I am a vibrant, youthful woman in her SEXUAL PRIME!!!!

Now come rub my wrists till my carpal tunnel stops hurting

Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…

…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?

Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.

Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.

[on a movie date]

me: wanna kiss

date: no thanks

me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u

liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it

I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.

*house explodes into flames*

Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?

Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home

I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.

Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now

Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life

One of my favorite stories about the great James Earl Jones is that when he did voiceovers, he asked for a bowl of fruit, and after his session was finished, he dumped all the fruit in his bag and left.

Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired

Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]

Hipster: I’ll take 4

the mother-in-law left yesterday.

this month has been the longest two years of my life.

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk

For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.

Experts: A serving size of chips is 10 chips.

Me: I eat 10 chips while standing in the pantry with the bag open, trying to decide if I want to eat chips.

When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume

People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.

Boss: do you have Twitter?

Me: what’s twitter?

Boss: no seriously

Me: ……

Me: no hablo Inglés

Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.

Nobody:

My 6yr old talking to himself on the toilet: everyday I gotta get up for school. & then everyday I’m gonna have to get up for work. When does it end. Did I ask for this? No. I don’t remember that I asked for this. I asked for rest and legos and French toast.

if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed

The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?

Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.