Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
You Might Also Like
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I took my wife to an orchard and we stood there staring at trees for more than an hour…
Apparently this was NOT the Apple Watch she was expecting for her birthday.
It’s woman law if another woman tells you your outfit is cute and you got a deal on it you must tell them where you got it and how much it cost.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Taking phone security to the next level.
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
Genius.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
WIFE: don’t be weird at the party tonight
ME: am i ever weird?
[dinner party]
CHERYL: how’s the soup taste?
ME: like the blood of my enemies
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.