Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Tried sneaking downstairs to get a beer but at my age it’s like walking thru a forest covered in dry twigs.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
lmao
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Forever 21… pounds overweight
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
Sad? Confused? There’s a nap for that.
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I’m in.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
Me: 46 and out of shape
Also me: Looks around for NBA scouts any time I make a basket
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago