Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
You Might Also Like
Rock bottom implies the existence of paper bottom and scissors bottom.
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Last night my kids suggested I kill and eat someone to gain his strengths. I think I should start locking the door when I sleep.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Do not levitate over flowers
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
If it ain’t broke, my children haven’t touched it yet.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Auto correct changed “dingo” into “condom” which is still accurate. The condom did kind of eat my baby. All my babies.
pirahna: my tooth is killing me
dentist:
pirahna: way in the back
dentist: how are u even out of water
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
i’m so sorry sir, but we here at chase bank don’t accept gun-for-money exchanges. and we need an amount, not just “all the money you got”
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
Proofreading this book couldn’t have been that hard?!