Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

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[first day as detective]

partner: he must have drown-

me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool


I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.


[Job Interview]

*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*

*fixes tie*

*checks breath*



Grapes for breakfast it is!

Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.


HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?


Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.


Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”


Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.

Now go to bed,you’re drunk.


Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.

Me: And…the other thing?

Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.