[first day as detective]
partner: he must have drown-
me: looks like he died trying to drink this entire swimming pool
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
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I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
I needed a laugh this morning.
*okay, he can’t find out I’m a wolf*
IS THAT A PICTURE OF YOUR BABY SHE LOOKS DELICIOUS
Grapes for breakfast it is!
Beautiful, fermented, aged, liquified grapes.
HEY, mom of 3 unruly kids staring at her phone in the bookstore: … Do you have a charger I can use?
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Pick a number, now add 7,
divide by 4, write it down.
Now get an apple, name it,
show it a picture of your cat.
Now go to bed,you’re drunk.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.