“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
huge drama on my block rn. basically my crows got tired of the local squirrels always taking some of the food i leave out. so now, as an act of retaliation— the crows are going yard to yard, finding the squirrels’ stashes, & eating everything. squirrels are watching in horror
“I love Justin Bieber” well I love McDonalds but you dont see me making an account pretending to be a chicken nugget, do you?
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
Relationship status: I tried to blow a kiss but it wants to just be friends
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Maybe women decided to convince men that beards were sexy because they were sick of cleaning the washbasin after he shaved
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
[Day 5]
GOD: What do you think?
ANGEL: You’re tired. Why don’t we try making the birds tomorrow.
Women are like ripe peaches, they don’t keep as well in the refrigerator after they’ve been cut in half.