“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
Me: I don’t trust our mailman.
Wife: Why?
Mailman: [from closet] Yeah, why?
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
For anyone who needs this today
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
my kids’ favourite game was MAMA CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUF! so no, I’m not worried about the vaccine
Detective: Where were you on the night of…
Me: Kung Fu fighting. We all were. I saw you there.
My kids don’t drive me to drink. Can’t wait until they get their license and they can though.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
Me: Just so you know, I’m DTF right now.
Wife: I don’t know what “DTF” means.
Me: Take a guess.
Wife: (pause) Definitely Too Fat?
I have just planted some herbs so I am very excited to harvest one (1) tiny basil leaf in 8 weeks
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.