Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.

“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”

-companies that obviously provide no training

*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?

It’s 2024 and we have Batman shampoo but STILL no Conditioner Gordon.

Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.

Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..

MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig

BAND: Thank God! Finally!

MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster

inside you are two wolves

“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.

You think your wife is crazy now?

Try divorcing her

I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

i smell a pulitzer

#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem

Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.

Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward

Apparently showing the pharmacist a picture of my wife was not a good enough reason to get Valium without a prescription.

[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seek

me: nice to meet you

voice from behind the photocopier: you too

just in case someone hasn’t told you today,

i’m gorgeous.

*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this

“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden

I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards

McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back

After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves

[sees hot girl in bar]

me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?

her: give me back my ring

lmao at snakes that think they are “hiding” in a patch of grass. i see u, sweetie. i am only pretending 2 be surprised

sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over

It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day