“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
Told the kids they could handle making their own cheese sandwiches today, & they looked at me like I’d asked them to forage for nuts & berries in the desert after they climbed to the top of Mt Kilimanjaro while a few hippos were strapped to their backs.
[Creation]
God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”
*cell divides*
God:”What the-”
*cells divide again*
God:”Oh shi-“
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
You can’t hurt me, you’re not the underwire in a bra I bought at the grocery store
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
humans only use 10% of their treadmills
I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
Can everyone please turn their A/C off during the day we need that power to generate images of people with eight fingers.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
And where the back of the wardrobe should have been, one passed through until the air grew cold and one could feel the brush of pine trees. This Ikea wardrobe is terrible.
please don’t get up in the snake’s face to see if it’s more diamond or oval
just leave the danger noodle alone
sincerely,
a medical toxicologist
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.