“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
i just started buying stock from the market…i have chicken, beef, and vegetable…i hope that makes me a bouillonaire one day 😂😂 i love telling jokes and walking around the financial district in new york city 😝
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
[Biologists naming Eels]
b1: ocean sneks
b2: bitey noodles?
b3: what do the dolphins call them again?
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Jesus: No one pours old wine into new wineskins…
Home DIY YouTuber: SURE YA CAN, HERE’S HOW TO DO IT RIGHT AT HOME IN FIVE EASY STEPS! ALSO, DON’T FORGET TO SMASH THAT LIKE BUTTON AND BE SURE TO SUBSCR
I’d like a word with the person who started the rumor that I have a kitchen.