“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Learn what car your boss drives so you don’t give her the finger in the parking garage. I know that now
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
…żyje?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Taking bets on how long my kid will proudly trip over the pillowcase she’s wearing because pants weren’t “fluffy enough” this morning
Couldn’t find my keys so I retraced my steps back to when I was a piece of phosphorescent algae floating in the primordial sea, and yep there they were
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
Me: is there anything on my face
Him: no you’re good
[15 minutes later]
Me: omg why didn’t you tell me there’s cheese in my hair
Him: you didn’t ask about your hair
[being pulled from a burning car]
fireman: any idea how it started?
me: I used my keys
i love the concept of an encore. the band leaves the stage and the crowd is like omg wait you haven’t played your three most popular songs yet! and the band is like “beg”
[God Creating Dads]
God: Ah, yes. Think I’m done
Dads: Hi Done, we’re Dads!
God:
Dads:
God: *creates the adjustable thermostat*
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
My kid woke up sick and told me he was gonna eat a bunch of junk food since ‘obviously vitamins don’t work’ and I think we should consider his position
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.