“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

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The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”

“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman

“£20,000 and she’s all yours”


My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone


Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.


“Hey, your fly’s down”

Oh shit..

*pets fly’s head* you’ll be alright little buddy, chin up.. we’ll get you some new wings


There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.


A guy just made fun of me for buying wine coolers at the store. I’m wearing crocs with socks and that’s what you’re going to make fun of?


INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest skill?

CAR: Well, I’m very driven


ME: help someone caught my wife in a big net
911: where
M: between 2 trees in our yard
911:a hammock?
M: idk what his name is just send help


I hate my job. The work sucks. The people suck. The pay sucks.
*looks up and sees motivational poster on wall*
Well this changes everything