“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
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[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
I had a medical student join me on NICU recently and they asked me if they’d be able to take any patient histories.
I mean if they’d have managed to take any histories from any of the nicu babies I would have been seriously impressed.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
The Birdles
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Army boss: ENEMIES INCOMING AT 12 O’CLOCK
Me: stop shouting, that’s over an hour from now
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[AA meeting]
Ian: …and I’ve been sober for 12 years now.Me: Err… I’m at the wrong meeting.
*start packing up my battery collection*
You had me at “define legal”.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
[trying to climb out of beanbag chair] Divorce?
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils