Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!

[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm

i miss catholic school. i just remembered when a girl gave up mirrors for lent. she would duck and scurry into a stall every time we walked into the bathroom… you just don’t run into that kind of weird every day now

Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE

The second world war should have been called world war returns

Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm

Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.

Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild

They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.

Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind

I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.

Use protection, young people.

“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”

“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”

“What’s the problem?”

“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”

“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”

“Again.”

“Dammit.”

Me (standing in front of mirror): bloody mary, bloody mary, bloody mary

Cop on other side: what is he doing

Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!

Me: Pretty good, yours?

Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?

Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?

Earth? yeah, I’d hit that -meteor

Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*

Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”

10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]

I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳

A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich

Can’t wait for this manhunt to be over so I can stop dyeing my hair.

Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?

Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.

Bread is a hell of a drug.

Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?

General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.

You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.

The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.

PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?

Ok, ok, here’s the plan. When Bezos goes into space we move the planet so he can’t find us anymore.

It never worked for my parents but we’re talking some much further distance here.

every movie should have a part where it flashes MEANWHILE ON SKULL ISLAND and they show us what king kong up to