Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter

Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.

if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing

FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper

GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—

DOLPHIN: What’s that one?

GOD: That’s an e.

DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.

GOD: But you—

DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.

thank god

ME: Make every guy afraid of me.

GENIE: As you wish.

ME: (a tampon): son of a

If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.

Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die

“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions

My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”

You ever try to stab salad lettuce with a fork? It’s like trying to put pants on a toddler. Oh I got… nooo, no I don’t

Being a parent is great because you get to start conversations like:

Hey buddy, don’t leave your tooth on the coffee table.

Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.

-thug life

Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.

“The floor is larva.”

– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom

I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

person: there’s a new study showing that being optimistic might cause people to live longer

me *on my deathbed: I doubt it

An app..

An app that reminds you, no matter how ugly you are.. someone far far away wants to bang you.

-Twitters new slogan

Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend

Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.

People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

If you innocently act like you don’t know, people will explain dirty words to you and it’s hilarious.

*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*

I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS

Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?

Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir

When a kid is mean to my kid…

(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness

(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS

thinking about a very short hotdog