do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
The older I get, the more I realize nobody is better than I am.
Except people with statues of lions outside their house. They rule.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* oh no
WIFE (points at my google search for “spaghetti cake”): how in the world do you forget the word “lasagna”
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
What concert costs 45 cents? 50 Cent featuring Nickelback
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
It’s hard to dial for help when you have two Pringles cans jammed on your hands again
Billy where is your homework? “im sorry Ms. Klein my dog- *sees dog in the window make a throat cutting motion* -gone cat ate it”
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
“We had unprotected sex. Give us a present.” — the subtext of every baby shower
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there