do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
I can’t stop laughing at this
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
me: I’ll take this goth pear
cashier: that’s an avocado
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
*reaches for the stars*
Stars: I have a boyfriend
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
snow white’s glass casket was the original snow globe and if you think the dwarves didn’t fill it up with glitter and shake her around in there when they got sad, you’re a fool
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Hey girl are you my taxes cause I just wanna spend all day and night trying to figure you out.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
When smothering somebody, make sure not to use a memory foam pillow because it could testify against you in court.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
toddler: How do you spell “Elmo”?
me: “E”
toddler: “E” like “elephant”
me: Very good! “L”
toddler: “L” like “elephant”
me:
toddler:
me: “M”
toddler: “M” like “elephant”
me: Shit
toddler: “Shit” like “elephant”
Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
I hate having a ton of anxiety and no energy. It’s like having a tank full of gas and no engine
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
they say if you lose one of your senses the other ones become heightened like for instance i lost my sense of humor in a boating accident but now my sense of style is so on point i can tell when someone’s wearing white after labor day by just looking at them.