Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.

My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.

Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?

Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–

Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT

I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture

Any jeans can be skinny jeans if you eat enough doughnuts.

MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!

PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…

if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer

me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand

toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel

I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.

Being a goldfish must be brilliant. Every six seconds you’re pleasantly surprised to find that you live in a castle.

who’s ready for the long weeknd?

Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.

Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.

Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.

Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?

-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender

Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle

How do you milk an almond?

I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.

Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.

taylor swift: oh my god look at that face you look like my next mistake

me [with mouth full of like way too many Doritos]: what

Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.

Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas

#MeanwhileInCanada

I don’t like the person I become when my boss tells me I should be working while at work