Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear

Me to me: I’m pretty garbage

Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrong

Someone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing

“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”

#IWishIHadNever noticed

My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

why do men always think “looking for fun” means sex ? Wat if i want us to draw

1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*

Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.

[Child reading their story to the class]

& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.

The End

Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time

I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.

Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”

I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*

I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.

what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?

Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.

I believe it was the great and ancient philosophers who once foretold a most wise and accurate existential statement that transcends all time and space: I fuck around, therefore I find out.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.

If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.

[gas station]
me: fill her up
him: that’ll be $20
me: *taking the money* thanks

When my laptop asks “Are you sure?”, it’s because it still remembers all of the other bad decisions I have made.

[breakfast in hell]

STALIN: Toast is burnt

POL POT: Eggs are rotten

HITLER: I hate the juice

STALIN: Oh here we go

HITLER: I said JUICE

“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”

TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.

Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.

*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*

Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.

Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.

[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches