Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.

I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

I had a weird smell once…

A rodent crawled up under my car and got into the heat/air unit and died there.

I was trying to use my AC and blowing dead animal air at myself.

You know how long it takes to get rid of hot dead rotting rat smell?

3 months. Three

[tsunami approaches]

Me: At last I will feel oblivion’s sweet embrace.

Tsunami (inexplicably reversing): I have a boyfriend.

took my kids to the trampoline park and within minutes one of them was attending a stranger’s birthday party and the other one let me know that she had made an ‘enemy for life’

“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”

-Poetic Justice

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.

Life Tip: If you’re ever attacked by a shark, compliment his smile. Sharks are very vain and susceptible to flattery.

I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.

undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss

judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever

jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam

judas: yo what the f

I just died 😂😂😂😂😂

kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card

*takes card*

kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?

no

is this your card ?

no

*27 cards later* is this your card ?

no…

“Let’s just kill ALL the characters”

-Game of Thrones

thought for sure getting laid off was way more sexual

lol sometimes I-

[a mum] “yeah well TRY HAVING KIDS”

Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?

Her: Justice.

legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet

Wife: you need to prepare the turkey

Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you

*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*

me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.

i was dropped as an adult

When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.

– Broadway producers