Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wearing my Burger King crown

Passport photographer: No

I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.

Whenever Sting goes in for surgery, I bet the doctors and nurses have a good chuckle calling it a sting operation.

My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff

I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.

ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.

WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

I Can’t Tonight…

To all my new moms, I highly recommend you start working on that upper body strength. Because you’re going to need to to haul a kicking toddler around football style.

Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.

An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.

Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:

Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%

I probably shouldn’t say this, but if you googled “how to NOT get away with murdering somebody” and then just did the opposite there’s no way the cops could make you a suspect

Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog

God please let it be a hotdog

DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?

*takes you out several times then acts distant*

what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion

My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.

Life hack :

Receive a wide assortment of yellow, orange, pink and red envelopes, free of charge, simply by not paying your bills.

When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”

~ It’s all about the empathy.

Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed. 

Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Bad boys bad boys
Whatchagonnadoo

7: Mom, sometimes when you’re talking to me, I have no idea what you’re talking about.

M: Join the club.

no one:
no one:
8: if there is a Hell, I’d like to take a tour

Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?

well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that