Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful

[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit

choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb

Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.

My doctor told me I have high blood pressure and short term memory loss.

At least I don’t have high blood pressure.

Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet

Doctor: Questions?

Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?

Him:

Me

Him: She’s a baby

Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.

Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*

Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet

Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?

And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end

I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.

*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*

I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.

I bought an online course to improve my memory but forgot the password to access it

Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.

Bullshit doesn’t pay the bills unless you’re a politician or in sales

me: want to go hunting this weekend?

friend: sure i’m game.

me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.

I was at the zoo and I did a monkey call to impress my kids and a monkey talked back to me so I did the call again and it did a call, back and forth, just hootin and howling to each other until I made eye contact and it was just another dad also trying to impress his kids

My wife is just 3 days younger than me…

So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.

“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent

the composer

January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.

So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”

Griddle me this!!

– Batman villain ordering breakfast.

I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.

quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.

Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person

😂😂

My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.

waitress: can i get you some coffee

[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]

me: back away harlot