Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient

While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:

warm/cold water

15 mins extra soak

permanent press cottons

If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.

Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator

THAT is an influencer

My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.

Spring love is in the air!

*sprays repellent*

u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question

I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂

I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

Me: Where were you supposed to poop?

2-year-old: The potty.

Me: So why didn’t you?

2: I’m too busy.

Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.

I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.

My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.

how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840

I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning

Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

Hitting it from behind is just how I drive

When my teacher used to say, use your inside voices I used to get confused, I always used my inside voices and they always got me in trouble.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder

no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls

Yesterday our friend couldn’t make it tho the bar so instead of canceling they sent one of their other friends, which none of us have ever met, to replace them. You can do that? We are allowed to send in substitutes???