Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness

You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears

*Romantically carries pizza over threshold

The coziness of a bed is directly proportional to how inhospitable the outside environment is. The beds on oil rigs and in arctic research stations would thus rank among the coziest; the hypothetical least cozy bed would be one that exists in a land entirely made up of pillows

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

we stayed at an air bnb with the most perfect pillows. a revelation. perfectly firm but soft. my neck stopped hurting. so I wrote down the brand and item number from the tag and looked it up and they’re the same pillows we have at home

It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Lmao @ the people who named their kids Daenerys or Khaleesi. What a bunch of absolute fools. If only they were as wise as me, father to a beautiful baby girl named Detective Pikachu

I’m not saying my kid is lying about reading his homework book, but he does seem to think the character is called Wee Willy Wonka

Red cross: would you like to volunteer to give blood?

Me: oh, no thank you, I already involuntarily give blood 5 days out of the month

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy

When I break something I just stay quiet until my husband blames one of the kids.

My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.

21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”

Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes

Hide liquor from the teenagers in the laundry room. You’re welcome

Magician: Is this your card?!

Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.

Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet

ME: (peeing in the corner of the elevator)
GUY: We’re not even stuck.

If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already

Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage

*trying to remember something*

brain: put your hands on hips

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older.

Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:

22 month old son: When’s she going back?

Me: Back where?

Son: To her house at the hospital.

Me: She lives with us now.

Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.