do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Vegetables: “We need to be stored in special conditions with ideal humidity and temperature.”
Potatoes:
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
i am about to burn down everything cryptocurrency related
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
My flex is downloading a software update when I start work so I can immediately take a two hour break
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
Once upon a time, I’d leave my seat early at a concert or sporting event so I could beat the traffic.
Nowadays, it’s probably because I need to beat the queue for the toilet.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
[IKEA-themed restaurant]
Maitre-d: is your table ready yet?
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.