do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
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[3 AM]
5yo: *sobbing* Daddy
Me: Ughhh..yes, sweetheart, what’s wrong?
5yo: I’m lonely…
Me: Then, don’t ever get married.
5yo: Ok, Daddy.
When I say the word ‘laboratory’ I quietly say it like a mad scientist in my head: la-bore-ra-tori
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
a whale has no legs and can still jump higher than you
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
My grandpa would be 97 today if he hadn’t double-crossed me
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
I refuse to believe Augustus Gloop wouldn’t have at least TRIED to gnaw on an Oompa Loompa in the “everything is edible” room.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
2022: I can fix it
I just post them. I don’t explain them.
The only time my doorbell rings is when someone is bringing me food so it will henceforth be called the dinner bell.
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
Rare photo of two submarines racing
