Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Store clerk: May I help you?

Me: I hope so. Sweetie go get your math homework, this nice woman is going to help us.

I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter

Introducing ManBat

A bat who fell into man cave and now fights crime with human like skill (anxiety and a constant pain in his lower back)

#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”

THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on

I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.

[At the gym]

My body: WTF

Me: I know

Body: I thought we were done with this bullshit?

Me: No, this is how it is from now on.

Body: *charley horse*

Me: Well played, bitch… well played

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

[recording studio]

me: [into microphone] studio

sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it

Our dachshund swallowed a slinky. You should see him going down the stairs.

I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

hi. the. headline. wants. you. to. be. mad. that’s. how. it. makes. money.
🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷

WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?

You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.

Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.

[rolls down car window]

“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”

Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!

Uber is going to choose a new CEO in 4 minutes. Now 5 minutes. Shit now it’s 11 minutes away, why is it going in the opposite direction

FUN FACT: Canada was once called Moosebekistan. You don’t know. Prove me wrong.

went to get pizza for lunch and when the guy asked what i wanted to drink i wasn’t paying attention so i looked this man in the eyes and said “a side of marinara”

My kid asked me where babies came from and I was like “Dude, ask your Mom. I still can’t figure out why Garfield talks and Odie doesn’t.”

Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”

Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”

Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: My brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we fell out, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.

I think I just went to third base with a jelly doughnut.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.

Self-cleaning conscience