Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It just seems like one would see a lot more data while flying through the clouds.

Wind chimes are a bit like children. You can enjoy the sounds of your own but everyone else’s is like a cheese grater on sunburnt skin.

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

Excel is weird because you never know you aren’t that good at it, until you are asked to do something you’ve never heard of

My mother: What color do you look good in?

Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.

art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face

picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?

I put a NEW DRIVER sticker on my car so people will have mixed emotions when I cut them off.

😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.

Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure

Bilbo: no

Gandalf: can i come in for tea

Bilbo: also no

Gandalf: dinner with my friends?

Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me

Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want

I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,

“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”

It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.

HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?

ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*

Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.

I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.

An Asian guy named Glenn?

Please

NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!

DR DOG: You’re joking, right?

If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.

[using Apple Pay]

Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple

Only 2 kids made it out of my Jedi class.

One killed the padawans.

The other was abandoned in the desert

I’m dreading that class reunion.

When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.

Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?

Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?

Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it

A simple turtleneck can hide all manner of candy necklaces.

This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.

I WILL TURN THIS CAR AROUND RIGHT NOW, she screamed to the 2 liter bottle of club soda rolling around in the backseat.

6-year-old: Santa’s not real.

Me: That’s right.

6: So I can be bad.

Me: That’s wrong.

KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.