Do you like water? Yes? Well, then you already like 60% to 70% of me.
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You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
*updates tinder bio*
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “redacted”
me: ████████
judge: [looking around nervously] that’s correct
I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Me: *calls* How are my kids?
Grandma: We’re having so much fun
Me: Maybe they can stay with you a few extra-
Grandma: Come get your kids.
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Good luck with my paper jam, next person.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?